2007-06-23
ignore this, please.
Because I'm too scared to say it to the one who should hear it, well. It still hurts, I haven't gotten over it, this is sort of killing me but I'm trying to take it in, sometimes I wish I were her, which makes it all the weirder, since we're good friends and all that, sometimes I just want to say it but at the same time I can't, it'd sort of throw everything into a mess, at the same time if I don't say it and just say it here and it gets found out it's going to be even weirder, so I really don't know what to do and I don't know what exactly is stopping me, because I'm trying but I can't just seem to do it, at the same time I'd do anything for you which defeats alot of things I said I'd do, promised myself I'd do or say or whatever, but the moment I see you I just go back to mushhead and it doesn't quite work, and I feel stupid because I thought I was some know-it-all who'd gone through it, and now I'm back to square one where I can't even say what I should, what you should know. And even though I keep telling myself say it, say it, I keep feeling that horrible wrench and then afterwards I don't say it or I half say it and cover it up which makes me look stupid. And all that stupid cliched love stuff keeps coming to me and clogging up my brain and each time it might have even saved me but I keep pushing it away with some stupid smart aleck reply or just some random phrase and it hurts, because I want to say it and then I don't. And there you go, another half-lie. Another annoying twinge, yippy day. This sucks, you know? And worst of all I know I've only got myself to blame, which sort of makes me feel even more dumb, pathetic, all the stuff I told myself to get over. I can't stand it, okay? It really hurts like shit and I can't flipping understand it, I don't want you to see this but I still want to post it, I want to delete this but it's everything that's killing me and I want it off off off, but it's not going off and everytime I think about it it hurts and I want to tell someone anyone but no one's around now at this time of the night and if you haven't realized, it's fucking lonely. I give up. I'm just going to swear. I don't care anymore. I do. I do care but I don't even know whether I'll bother to delete this or not. Tomorrow it'll probably look like some big mistake and I'll feel like an ass and hope you read it and hope you never read it, because I'm always thinking like that. I know I said I'd do it, but at the same time I see the white document page and I just can't bring myself to write anything because it used to be. Okay. This sucks. I'm so tired of having to bite back what I really want to say everytime, but I still do it.
abstracity at 11:45 p.m.