2007-05-19
To _________.
I love you.
Yeah, so I wanted to write this long introduction at first to throw off whoever else reads this, but I'm tired. I don't want to go around in circles anymore.
Yeah. I really do love you. Sometimes it hurts, because you walk away and I can't catch up. It hurts. You know, that aching tingly feeling that starts right below your heart and spreads around your abdomen. It's painful, but it's something I can't avoid, no matter how hard I try. If you read this maybe you'd say, control your feelings, you can. But sometimes I can't. For you I can't. It's something I'm not used to, and really, it feels really uncomfortable.
But you know, you were the first one I really cared for. The one I'd stay up with, talk to, cry over without you knowing. I never thought I'd get all wonky just from a simple conversation started last year. It's a strange, lovely feeling, knowing that there's someone I could really love. Care for. Do anything for. It hurts like shit sometimes, but somehow, I didn't mind. Because yes. I really did like, love you.
I don't have much time left. I have what, three, four months? I don't even know. And here I am, stalling. I can't tell you in person, I can't even tell you over a phone call or an email. Not even an MSN conversation. I tell myself I can't, but I'm just making excuses. I guess that the reason is I'm absolutely terrified of your reaction. I'm absolutely terrified that you won't even believe me.
I've been growing apart from you, these past few months. I've been struggling to grasp you back, hold your hand, do anything I could just to get you back, those old days when we'd stay online till some ungodly hour in the morning just talking crap, and I'd sign off and climb into bed and think about what you said, what I said, think about everything and just feel so completely happy. I fell in love with you without even knowing it, and now I can't drag myself out. I don't even want to.
But I don't know. Is it time to say good bye? Is it time for me to turn and walk away? Is it time for me to let go?
Because I don't want to. It hurts like crazy but I don't want to. Yeah, I'm stupid, I'm a coward that way. But what can I do? I'm just. Too deep. Can't climb out.
But yes. That's all I have to say. I love you. I love you so, very much, and I can't let go anymore. You say that I'll forget you but I don't want to.
And here I am, publicly proclaiming it. You may be reading this and wondering whether I'm talking about you, or maybe you'd won't even give a damn. But this is what I get for not even daring to tell you. To write your name.
But I've said what I've wanted to say for a long, long time. I know that somehow, there will be someone who will mock me on my tagboard, tell me oh Joy, you're so terribly emo, oh Joy, you're so romatic-angsty.
But.
I mean every word.
I love you.
abstracity at 6:08 p.m.